Intro
My initial inspiration to start writing Substack posts was due to the sudden death of my father (Richard Henry Timberlake III) on Nov 8th, 2020. I needed an outlet to write things down and get the thoughts out of my head. I felt inspired to write down the information that I had learned from him that I thought would be valuable information to pass along to my future children. I found that I enjoyed writing Substack posts and was able to find the time to write about 50 posts between 2020 and 2021. I haven’t written anything in a few years because life got busy and I was never able to monetize Substack.
The last few years have been some of the best, most intense, and rewarding years of my life…
2021 - Kristi and Alex (K&A) get engaged in November
2022 - Kristi mobilizes to Africa and Alex to Singapore (1 year abroad)
2023 - Alex finishes working in Singapore. Kristi & Alex get married
2024 - Alex begins working offshore; K&A get a new golden retriever puppy (Buddy); K&A move into a new house; Kristi gets pregnant….
Henry
2024 was shaping up to be one of the best years of my life. Kristi and I were expecting our first child (Henry) to be born in December of 2024 just a week or so before Christmas. At the 34 week check-up, everything looked great. We just finished decorating for the holidays and setting up the nursery. The stars were aligning for a perfect 2024….
However, it is with great sadness that I report that our baby boy (Henry Douglas Timberlake) passed away and Kristi had to deliver him as a stillborn baby on November 20th, 2024.
Henry was born at 6.5 lbs and 20.5 inches. Unfortunately, he was born with no heart beat. The doctor suspects there was a “cord accident” sometime the week after our 34-week check up. As such, no oxygen was being delivered through the umbilical cord.
The memory of his lifeless, limp body landing onto the delivery table will forever haunt my memory.
Despair
There are no words to describe the experience of losing a child. The best word I can think of is Despair “the complete loss and absence of hope.” The optimism and hope for the future has vanished. Everything feels meaningless. Our once warm and vibrant house is now silent and cold. All the joy and happiness in life has seemingly disappeared. Even our two beautiful dogs (Buddy and Belle) who have brought us daily joy and happiness don’t seem to fill the void of losing Henry. Our world has been flipped upside down and it is a struggle to get through each day.
Deja Vu
As I alluded to in the intro, I began writing after the death of my father to help me heal and move forward. I find myself almost exactly 4 years later in an unfortunate and similar circumstance. I never imagined I would have a more painful experience in my life than getting a phone call from my Mom telling me that Dad had been hit by a car and that he was on life support…. but here we are.
I loved my dad; he was a inspiration to me. However, his death does not hold a candle to losing Henry. This feels 10x worse. I have cried more on Nov 20th, 2024 than I have cried in all the previous days I have been alive.
I’m supposed to be the strong one for Kristi. I’m the robot who can box-up his emotions and compartmentalize. However, even I find myself lost with emotion.
Notes to Myself
Putting my feelings and emotions on paper is step 01 in the healing process; I need to get the thoughts out of my head. I also find that distracting myself with work is helpful in the initial stages. I need to establish long-term goals to strive for in order to become optimistic about the future again. My focus is Kristi. At no point can I let anything get between us or take priority over helping her heal.
To Kristi
Kristi, I love you so much! You are so strong. You were amazing during the delivery. I know this past week has been hell. I know the healing process will take time; I am here to help. We need to think of the healing process as a marathon and not a sprint. There will be good days and there will be bad days. We need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. In due time, I believe you will feel love, joy, and happiness again.
You did everything correctly during pregnancy. There is nothing you did wrong that could have caused this. Dr. Crabtree has told us over and over, this is a freak accident that unfortunately happens to about 1 in 1000 babies (even perfectly healthy babies with perfectly healthy mothers).
I believe there is no stronger love in this world than a Mother’s love for her child. I am suffering, but I believe you are suffering far worse. I will never know the feeling of having a child inside me and can’t expect to know the bond that you and Henry had. All I know is that I love you, I want to spend the remainder of my life with you, and I want you to be happy again.
We will always love Henry and keep him in our hearts and our Memory. We need to honor his death by continuing to live our lives to the fullest.
To Henry
Henry, you never got an opportunity to meet your family, but I can tell you that you were loved. Deeply loved. Your Mom, me, your Grandparents, your Aunts and Uncles…. everyone was so excited to meet you. You would have been the perfect addition to our family.
You would have grown into a tall, handsome man; you would have been brilliant and empathetic (just like your mother); you would have contributed to this world; you would have brought so much joy and happiness to your mother and I. We would have been so proud to have been your parents.
We will never know why you were taken from us. It doesn’t feel just or fair or right. You were cute and innocent and deserved a chance at life. Alas, life had other plans.
Rest in Peace Henry…
You will always be my little boy! I love you!
